full of colour`

once in a while i am reminded of how beautiful and amazing this world is, and the way things work. just sitting in lecture learning about the body and just thinking about how complex it is, makes me wonder how do things work, how do things even know how they should work anyways? a walk in the park and i am reminded of how everything is interlinked/connected with each other. reading a good book makes me appreciate people around me. sometimes when i get marvelled by the little things that happen around me i cant help but smile and think how beautiful it is to be alive.

im in one of those moods. and when i am in oneofthosemoods i start to think. and when i start to think, i mean.. i start to think..

sometimes i don't believe in fate. it's like cushioning your insecurities with a system of belief that tells you "dont worry, this may be your life but you're not in control. there is something or someone looking out for you - it's already organised" i'd like to believe it's all change and choice, which is far more frightening i have to admit. yet not believing in fate means you think/feel like you are in control of your own life.

are you? am i?

cuz sometimes i believe we are not in total control of our lives. like a pendulum, my belief swings from one point of view to just the opposite. cuz i am constantly reminded of one thing - there is one thing you can never control no matter how you try, no matter how much you try to deceive yourself, and that is your feelings. so then, who knows? who is in control? what is in control?

maybe it's a mix of fate and choice. fate brings you to a crossroad, and at that junction you make a choice that will eventually change your fate depending on what choice you make? it's the idea of.. fate not being rigid. ..... and i am spouting..... gibberish language. (or maybe not?)

i map out his day in my head every single day: he'll be having breakfast now alone in his room; he'll be leaving the house, walking to uni; he'll be going to the gym; he'll be making salad/soup/sandwich. Every step i take is tracing his. i hate it that we're so far away from each other. i hate it that i can't be with him, i cant see him, i cant talk to him when i feel like, i cant hug him and tell him how my day went and i hate it that i whine so much, but only because i miss him so. but i love it that thinking of him just makes me smile, i love just thinking how i love him and he loves me, i love thinking about our future despite how the future is so far away, intangible and perhaps fragile. what is it in him that makes me love him? i cant seem to fathom. i just do, it's as simple as that. it's a mix of fate and choice.